What if . . . a fundamental question. That question we all have to deal with, but typically avoid. What if I have this major surgery Wednesday and the worst possible scenario happens, and I die?
BFD. We all do, sooner or later.
As a person that deals with anxiety every day, I generally can see all possible outcomes. I just tend to be more obsessed about the worst case, the negative outcomes.
I do not have to worry that much about positive outcomes. So, a wise person should always have a plan, just in case the worst happens. Like dying.
So, if I do not die Wednesday, then at some point, not certain when, I can write about surviving my surgery. Plus I can be grateful to my neurosurgeon and staff for not killing me.
Finally, I can also be grateful that if this gig works, I will not be in so much pain. Naturally, I should not be so pessimistic and such an overly sensitive drama king here. But hey, I am a writer and that is just the way most of us are-we tend to be way too sensitive and far too passionate drama kings.
First, I have been a very fortunate person. I have and can love. Even all humanity if we try hard enough; although it is hard to love those things called scumbag lawyers.
Further, there are some things I do not have to love-for example, Bank of America-this entity really sucks. I can also detest entities that rely on voice response units requiring me to figure out some magic code to get to another human being.
Second, I can and do recieve in return, love from others. Sadly, it is just hard for me to see it.
Third, God and Jesus love me because I have been doing their work for a long time.
Fourth, I have done my very best and worked hard to help many. Therefore, I am and have been a good person having provided benefit to others in my own life. I have value to others. I have good values, morals and character traits sufficient to have helped many.
Fifth, most lawyers are scumbags. Not to be redundant or pendantic. Most everyone including lawyers know this.
Sixth, I need to prepare a list for those people that are the most important to me; just in case the worst happens and I do die Wednesday, Feb. 1.
Seventh, when I leave, someone will take over. What me worry? I will be dead.
Finally, I am ready for death. Love is my most fundamental passion. I am loved by others and I have in return given my love away. I have been a very fortunate person. I have not been very good at gratitude. So thanks to those that have earned it.
Going positive, hopefully, I will write about stuff later here on this blog at some point, post-surgery provided I am not dead. Ah, screw it.
Even if I am dead, I am going to keep writing. I am going to do a lot of writing and complaining about how we can make things better even in heaven.
God, I know you are listening.