Thursday, February 25, 2010

Top Secrets related to productivity and efficacy by the best candidate for United States Congress

Ok.  Listen up.  Err, since this is actually a blog, you cannot listen.  You have to read up.

For the first time ever, I am going to give you, my local blog followers, one of my many cherished secrets on how to be productive.

Or even better, for the few that actually know how to use a dictionary and look up what words mean, use the word efficacy, instead.  Now efficacy literally means how to get more crap done that the other yahoos (like Satan Jordan and Yellow dog Yodeler, Yoder). 

Now remember, Mr. Kurtz was absolutely correct in calling me the energizer bunny of Merriam.  But he did not reveal why that is.  So, had Mr. Kurtz done a better more in-depth analysis, or used that thing called a telephone device, he may have had the ice cream scoup of the year. 

So below are some never-revealed secrets of how you too, can be an energizer bunny, also. 

The first step is around nine o'clock in the evening, eat a great big bowl of chocolate ice cream covered in smooth Hersey's chocolate syrup.  Throw on top of that a bunch of marichino cherries.  Naturally a bunch means exactly five.  Add some whip creme. 

Hit the recliner. Stick in a good DVD movie like Enemy at the Gate. (Naturally, the enemy is "Satan" Jordan including co-star coward, Kevin Yoder). 

Sidenote: Yoder got an award for playing best supporting coward of all time as the coward that was too afraid to help his buddy not get bayonetted in "Saving Private Ryan",  the other great war movie with Tom Hanks). 

Start watching movie while eating ice cream. Pass out at nine fifteen.  Wake up a few hours later at 3:00 AM in the morning.

Now at 3:00 AM, this is a great time to blog.  Because at this ungodly hour of the morning, there are really few distractions and absolutely no interuptions.  You know, stuff like annoying phone calls.  Or, e-mails. Or your spouse or lover wanting to fool around again.  And besides, on your Facebook page you have already planted all your crops on Farmville earlier in the day at work. 

So, at 3:00 AM, there is no one in the universe to bug an energizer bunny.  So, this is the time for max production, or the time to be efficacious.  Now efficacy is a good thing.  It is always preferred to merely being productive.  Since efficacy combines two words into one-productivity and efficiency.  So take that you inefficacious liberal socialst enginerring liberal media people.

But not Katy Horner, ever. Rhetorically, Katy, are we going to be killed by the weather again, today?  Holy Tsunami?  Way to go Katy.  You ticked off God and Jesus, again!

Another key factor to being efficicaous is ignore those that have a dull mentality and are negative pessimests.  Like Sam Brokeback.  Usually, this means ignore lemming loyalsts idiotic ideas from political parties that he leads in corruption.  These lemmings have no concept or vison.  They merely hang onto the coatails of someone like King Sam merely because they are unable to have any original ideas due to their own inability or lack of creativity. 

So, they follow the herd to the edge of the cliff before jumping off like the rest of the lemmings.  Know right now, today, who is the leader of the lemmings.  Well, naturally, this is King Sam Brokeback.  So hurry up and jump Sam. So finally, at least here in Kansas, we can eradicate the lemmings.

Ok, since we are now going to be peaking our efficacy soon, because it is almost 8:00 AM. Which naturally means all  those annoying phone calls ruining productivity are going to start. Therefore, it is time to ingest a lot of caffeine so we can tolerate all those annoyers of our precious time messing with our social networking time; especially related to Farmville.  Naturally, on top of the caffeine, eat about six jelly donuts so you get both the caffeine and the sugar rush. 

So, at 9:00 AM, when it is time for the office meeting, well  . . . you are ready to take your nap.  Because typically, these morning meetings are a huge waste of time where very little gets accomplished.  Meetings=nap or yawn time.  Or, if you cannot nap, this is also an outstanding time to daydream about what you are going to do at 9:00 PM.  Which is eat a big bowl of chocolate ice cream, again.

Now after this idiotic meeting where most people are just complaining, because they can, an hour has clearly gone by.  So, after the meeting nap, one is usually ready for some more caffeine. Plus, this is a great time to get some niccoteine.  So smoke break. Of course.

So get another cup of Joe and chain smoke. Because most of us are going to need that niccoteine fix as a anxiety crutch.  Because by now, most people that are calling, are just complaining and whining when they call your phone number.  So to deal with them, niccoteine seems appropriate.

 Besides, smoking cigarettes or cigars helps one get the taste of that sixth donut out of your mouth.  Lemon jelly donut, make a note to skip that tomorrow and go for the chocolate filled donut instead. 

So after the smokes and several cups of joe, the efficacy returns. And after these two addictions followed by another post-meeting power nap, you are really ready to get productive. Except there is only one problem. It is time for lunch

So heck with being efficacious, it is bacon-cheeseburger time in the old cafe.  Either that, or Popeye's Fried Chicken.  Now from experience, Popeye's Fried Chicken, along with potatoes and gravy and a big hunk of pie is always a great way to reduce anxiety and allow you to deal with the whiny people.  Merely throw down your throat a  64 oz. Big Gulp and you are set for the rest of the afternoon.

So now lunch is over.  And you go back to your cube to be efficacious.  But instead, you get in that funky mode of wanting to pass out from eating all that Popeye's fried chicken.  However, at least you are not anxious.  Although it is very difficult to keep awake.  Because it is hard to keyboard when your eyes keep closing.  After your power nap is over, well the rest of the day is a piece of cake.  So clean your desk and by that time, well . . .

After that, it is time to punch out and go home.  So welcome to an efficacious day at the United States Department of Justice.

So on your commute home, you wonder what to have for your supper.  Shortly followed by getting out your ice cream bowl. Because by now, it is 9:00 PM.  And you do not remember what happened to that DVD movie you were watching last night, the Enemy at the Gate starring Satan Jordan and that yellow dog coward Yoder.

Anyway, later.  It is almost 8:00 AM.  Gotta go.


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Anyone that would like to post solutions to make America a better nation as a guest blog author; or has solutions to fix some of the problems in America, send me an essay to Also known as Thomas E. Scherer, your better candidate for United States Congress

Merely remember if I am elected to Congress, you the individual are my boss. PACS, Lobbyists and Special Interest Groups, sorry, but just go away. Americans are tired of the United PACS of America buying and corrupting our congressman and Senators. Our candidate is not for sale.

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