Thursday, March 1, 2012

Scherer's Dummy Guide for Women to help them understand man mystique

Ok ladies, at least we men admit we are confused by the feminine mystique. At least we are honest we have no clue at times what motivates you to act and be the way you are.

So, in a role reversal, I want to publish this dummies guide on my blog to help you understand the great "man mystique".

First of all, men like visual things. Things that sparkle, move, jiggle and stuff like that. Hence why men tend to like to spend hours watching TV including the rapidly approaching March Madness NCAA Div. II basketball tournament which once again, will more than likely be dominated by Kansas University again. Rock Chalk Jayhawks. Or alternatively, why MU sucks.

Second thing, men like to eat. Gee, what a surprise. Ever met any human that states, "no thanks, I hate eating". Men however are not very good at cooking themselves,maybe explaining irony why there are so many great men chefs in the world-their wives cannot cook. Men will eat almost anything given enough gravy or barbeque sauce, raw, partially cooked, fully cooked, dead or alive.

Third, men really do like intimacy, sex, donuts,cookies and cake. Hopefully intimacy followed by sexual activities and pleasures is more preferred than merely intimacy. But really, we like giving and receiving both mutually, often. More often then the ladies do.

Fourth, men like recreational activities that involve objects that move. Plus, it gives us a place to go when you are mad at us for spending too much time, watching March Madness, the Superbowl, College football, basketball, hockey, rugby,soccer, hockey, bowling, tennis, fishing, guns, golf, etceteras. If there is a moving object on TV, it triggers the man instinct thing and makes it really hard for us to pay attention to you, especially when you are complaining about us watching TV too much.

Fifth, men are not very good listeners because we have a short attention span and many us have functional problems in that wiring going from ear to brain
.That really explains why we are not listening, err . . . not hearing so well during March Madness, Superbowl or World Series.

Sixth, men are really not rocket scientist genius types and really, we do not know how to fix every mechanical thing on the planet earth from washing machines, other major appliances, autos, and that stupid vacumn with only three moving parts. We will however, spend lots of money on buying things that make us think we can fix anything in the known and unknown universe to keep both the ladies confused a lot, because mechanical things move also, just like women do.

, men are macho, dislike showing emotion and really dislike romantic chick flicks, almost all the time; unless a)we are gay, actual or latent, or b) we have any remote possibilty at all, we might get lucky if we do go with you having to endure and see one of these over the top, too romantic kind of tear jerker type,chick flick.

Eighth, men are not really that big of fan of church going. We go mainly to appease or show respect to any woman that will tolerate and talk to us. Or alternatively, to keep our domineering mothers happy. Now if there were more beautiful pastor women, we might go more often voluntarily.

Ninth, men do love their children and their wives, provided we live together in some kind of mutual harmony together.

, men in America really do not like having to pay for everything your stingy person desires. We like women that are not: a) broke, actual or just merely faking to have no money, or so cheap; that expect us to pay for everything a woman wants, and b) help pay some of the costs sometimes, or at least every once in a while, chip in, or at least at minimum, make a good faith offer. Finally, a good way to lose a man in a new relation, we do not like you always ordering the most expensive meal and beverage at the most expensive resteraunt you suggested we should take you to. Clearly, we do like gold diggers, regardless of your outer beauty. Intelligent men like your inner and genuine beauty a lot more.

Eleven, men like approbation like a proverbial puppy dog. We like to be lied to about our own egos and professions, told how handsome we are, and all that other stuff, even when it is not true and we respond favorably to it, by recepriocity. We also like kind comments about our cool car, even if it is not. And we hate comparisons of our cars to our body organs, or to our sexuality confidence.

Twelve, men like to be romantic as long as it is appreciated far more than what it cost us to be that way, over and over reduntantly.Remember we are men-most of us are really cheap when it comes to letting loose of our hard-earned life savings and paychecks. We men have this immense part of our brain devoted to doing nothing else, but keeping an accurate and detailed accounting of how much women are taking us for.

Thirteen, men like it when you laugh at what we men think is clever and witty, even when usually it is neither.

Fourteen, men actually like womens magazines because of the pictures. We will only look at them when there are no other men or women are around because of our egos. We were not born sexist pigs-our culture made us this way, so we like to see pictures of women, but even better we prefer to see them in reality-not some stupid magazine or movie.

Fifteen, men are just men. We are simple. Not complex. Food, sex, TV, and we focus on crap that moves. That and we think being cheap is an admirable quality women fail to appreciate as one of our best instinctual survival traits.

Sixteen, men get frustrated when women talk on the telephone to long, ignoring the pleasure of our company, usually-unless there is a major sporting event on TV like March Madness.

Seventeen, most men like children and like being a father, provided our wife or girlfriend do not interfere and try to control us; or even worse, try to get us to change how we percieve we should be as fathers; or the most worse thing you can do to us, divorce us, alienate us from our progency and then demand we pay outrageous alimony and child support we cannot afford.

Eighteen, men and women are similar, kind of, to many of the same things men want above. Except men prefer using logic that makes sense, which women detest in us. When a man uses rational logic in a contested debate, a woman will change the subject. Or even worse, remind us of any and every error we ever regretted making our entire lives we have spent devoted to them.

Nineteen, men understand that if a woman talks to us, that is a good thing that makes us happy. Conversely, if you ignore a man, we are used to that being normal.

Twenty, men do not like showing emotion and passion in public very often. We were trained to be this way by both our fathers, mothers,family and the rest of society. Except when movies like Rudy are on the TV, or something similar that reminds of us our own childhood being just like Rudy's life was. Than, man-crying is ok. Even men understand that.

Twenty-one, men in the 21st Century are equally as addicted to the internet as a woman is to her cell phone.

Twenty-two, men really do not want our significant other, to be our mother. We want someone far better. If we loved our mother so much, why did we leave our family home then, and pick you then? Heck, a man always picks a woman better than his mother. Naturally women hate it when men talk about, or compare them to their mom.

Twenty-three, men really like our women to tell us how stupid we are provided it is done in a loving manner; and not hurtful to our overly sensitive, shallow man-egos. Ditto for insults. We are ok with that kind of stuff, some of the time.

Twenty-four, men really do not like shopping with women for their stuff, especially ladies undergarments and shoes, over and over; unless the shopping is at Victoria's Secret. However, men do like shopping with women for their stuff, at places that have moving objects like the local Pro Bass Shop, the local sports car dealership, or anywhere they sell bikes like Harleys.

Twenty-five, men that write dummies guide for women usually ends up getting in trouble with his finance, who just walked in.

Twenty-six, men are actually right, at least some of the time. Shoes and socks do and should be kept right on the living room floor, next to the couch or favorite chair where we men watch tv so often. Furthermore even I, as a male macho sexist pig concede factually, women are right every once in a while; despite our obvious and overwhelming man perfection-most of men even agree that the toilet lid seat and cover should both be kept closed; not open. The direction of the toilet paper roll however remains far too controversial to address in such a short post.

LATER. Queen of my universe just arrived and is giving me that "you better be getting off that computer thing and pay attention to me, or else kind of look." I am outta here.

This post is subject to being edited, updated, revised, all depending on how many people rat me out about this post to my finance, the one that rules my universe.

I love Queen. She is the total package. And yes, she is standing right behind me watching what I am typing. If you tell her anything about this post, do not omit that fact. For God's sake, I am a man after all, and need plenty of help dealing with the lady that masters me so well. Call it my man mystique.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Anyone that would like to post solutions to make America a better nation as a guest blog author; or has solutions to fix some of the problems in America, send me an essay to Also known as Thomas E. Scherer, your better candidate for United States Congress

Merely remember if I am elected to Congress, you the individual are my boss. PACS, Lobbyists and Special Interest Groups, sorry, but just go away. Americans are tired of the United PACS of America buying and corrupting our congressman and Senators. Our candidate is not for sale.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.