Friday, March 19, 2010

March Madness Blues--Cheap Pandering Trick For the Female Vote

Ok ladies,  here is some suggestions on how to deal with your significant other from the best candidate for United States Congress. 

If you go home today, or during the month of March, and your boyfriend, lover, or husband seems way too focused on March Madness this month, and continues to ignore you and his children, here is a plan to get even. 

Now this is even a better plan than merely taking his credit card during televised sporting events, maxing the card out buying yourself gifts, and then returning home to tell him what a brokeass he is because he only has a 10,000 available line of credit. 

So after you have returned home not happy with this person ignoring you, the kids and the pets merely because he has a grand total of 1 dollar at stake in the office pool as his deficient justification to spend hours and hours glued to  the tv, you  go take a relaxing and soothing bath with all those luxury items you bought at the local Bed, Bath and Beyond Store.  (Beyond what, I do not  know).

So after that wonderful bath, you are now relaxed because finally, you took care of your business achieving sexual ectasy while he was too busy watching March Madness.  So, to make matters worse, he then asks, "hey, we got anything to eat?"  Which just makes you reaffirm why you can hurl a fastball dusting pitch better than Nolan Ryan with that expensive vase you just purchased with his credit card. 

For some reason, March Madness must cause some kind of temporary disease, called "I am too lazy to get up off the couch and feed myself" disease.  But not to lazy to get another beer out of the refrigerator. How can this happen? Men.  Only they can think this way.

So, some dude in one of the games he is watching, just made another basket so clearly he ignores the rest of the universe some more. Who cares that it was in the last .001 sec of triple overtime?  It is just a stinking basketball game.  But do not ask him.  He is not paying attention to you.

So that is when you get out that cell phone thing, and call me at 239 676 9843 and ask me what to do. Now I might not be available on Saturday, because that lady friend of mine in Miami, the one that going to teach how to tango and promises to cure my anxiety related to being touched by soft and lovely intelligent and beautiful  ladies, is going to give me some therapy this weekend.  Thank God.  I need some. 

And for some reason  my hot Latin lover stated she needed me to rub some lotion on her.  She said she was getting a wax job and this was going to make her sore today.  So, being a man, I merely wonder why she is getting her car waxed right before our big date.  She did however, ask me if I had a buffer tool.  Which I assured her I did.  Regardless . . . back to dealing with your man and how to deal with his undue focus on March Madness.

Next week, mess with this person right before he gets home.  Take that remote thing for the TV, take out one battery. Then, get out the superglue.  Glue the remote cover back on.   Soon, when he arrives with that 12 pack of beer, and that gigantic bag of Doritos, but nothing for you, nor bringing home any dinner, just sit back and enjoy.

Naturally, this person will be befuddled.  He constantly comes home bragging about he is this or did that saving the entire company, the Joe Blowhard Corporation, but when comes to his stuff, he cannot fix squat without your help.  Naturally, the man will keep clicking the remote many times. Unable to figure out what is wrong.  So, you have to suggest the remote might need a battery. 

He will say "thank you baby or hon, you are the greatest".  And then he will try to rip the cover off the remote. But he cannot get it off because you superglued it shut.  Now you are going to want to start rolf, but do not do this yet. Instead, suggest when he cannot get the cover off, he should go out and get one of those screwdriver things that he never uses to fix your stuff. 

Now men spend a fortune of money on tools, but always the wrong kind of tools. Like fishing and golfing equipment. Or even worse, a big screen for the bathroom.  Which in turn they never use. It appears men buy all that crap so they have something to put in the garage.  Now if men would buy the right tools, like those that please the ladies, men would not need a remote control.  Because with the rights tools, the only tool your man would need is a wheelbarrow to whisk you into the bedroom.

But oh no.  Men tend to be really stupid. But even more so during March Madness.  So, if this is happening to you this weekend, I suggest instead of shopping this weekend with his credit card this weekend, instead, you book a flight to my place in Estero, Florida.  I have built this huge throne for my queen of the universe. 

Naturally,  I still get the recliner and the remote because KU is getting ready to open up a can of whiparse on the next victim shortly.

Rock Chalk. The chalk is clearly written on the backboard.  It is clear to all. 
Chalk, Chalk, we are the Jayhawks.  Rock on, KU.  Where all the pro NBA teams know where to go for recruiting.

Lawrence, Kansas. Absolutely one of the best places to be the next congressman from.

For the few men that can actually read, go here--video crap.

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