Thursday, April 1, 2010

More Cheap Pandering Tricks For the ladies-Part II on March Madness

Ok, I am heavily pursuing the lady vote.  In all three counties.  So let me be quite clear.  I am listening to the ladies and their collective wisdom.  I get it.  I have participated in groups focused on what the ladies want.  Being a man, you know how hard it is for us to listen.  And that is just the TV, much less you or the kids.  So be kind to us men because it is so hard for us to focus and pay attention during March Madness.

Men really are like two animals combined.  A pig and a puppy dog.  We really hate to listen unless it is about our stuff.  You know.  Cars, motorcyles, fishing, golfing, our jobs, how great our own cooking is, even though even our dogs bark at the food we prepare since it really does taste either bland from no seasoning, or is far too hot to ingest our special chili.  And do not get me started on grilling food and bbq.  That comes next month. Anyway . . .

We also are very good at sports trivia able to recite detailed statistics no reasonable person cares about.  We like gambling.  Hence, why we invented the stock market.  The mere idea of making money without working appeals to most men.  As well as any other form of gambling that involves moving things.  Horses, cards, roulette wheels.  You name it-if it moves, we will bet on it. 

All the vices we men like.  So for this week, do the Sarah Palin thing.  Get out a black magic marker and draw things on your anatomy.  Also give an instruction manual to your lover or husband.  Throw in a bunch of pictures because more than likely, the man will ignore anything written.  Give oral instruction and give positive reinforcement. 

Now being a typical man, if it is electronic, we will buy it. In fact, I went to Garmin Industries in Olathe to get my electronics fixed for my bass boat so I could find some fish.  Now if Garmin can help us men find fish, why can us men not find a mapping device for the female anatomy.  Beats me.  But we need one.  Until Garmin or some other wise electronics company does, use the Sarah Palin magic marker device.  Draw big arrows on your body telling your man where the hot zones and proper place to park the car are.

We really like pleasing the ladies. We just cannot find the map.  Now that is merely step 1.  Now most men are very simple to motivate.  We only are motivated by a few simple things.  Sex, food and TV.  Or some men, change the order a tad-sex, TV and food.  That  is about it. 

So, knowing this as most ladies do, all that is left is massaging our shallow egos.  When your man comes home, attach the remote control to your body.  Tell  your lover all he has to do to watch March Madness all weekend, is he merely has to push the right buttons.  And since you have applied that magic marker thing all over,  draw some big buttons so he can find exactly where those buttons are.

 Further, before he gets to push the buttons, tell him how wonderful he is.  Let him drone on about what he believes he did at work.  Naturally, this will be so far from reality, but do not correct him.  Give him a cookie or beer if rambles on about work too long.  Tell him his car looks great.  And how he should get a huge promotion at work and how he really is in charge of the Joe Blowhard Corporation.  And if they only put him in charge, the entire universe would be better.  You really do not have to listen any of this.  Just nod your head and say, "that is great honey". 

So now his ego is inflated and he is wagging his tail like a puppy dog.  Ignore the fact he has thrown his junk in the nearest place to the front door because if he is like most men, he is a pig also.  Regardless . . . 

So recapping, you have done the remote thing, done the Sarah Palin trick mapping your body, inflated his ego and actually let this man ramble on about how great he is.  You have given him a cookie like June Cleaver does with the Beav.  Cookies and milk or a cold tall beer.  So, he is pretty happy dude. 

Now the remote you superglued shut last weekend at least got him out of the house for a while. However, your man figured a workaround by buying a whole new home audio entertainment system including that 102 inch 3-d  TV at Best Buy that barely fits into the living room.  So, you pretty much have you man where you want him.  Invite him into the bedroom place.  You know what to do. 

After about ten minutes, then hand the man anything that moves. A ball object, or something he can handle like a fishing pole or a golf club.  Because now that he believes he has satified you, or at least given it a good shot, you want him out of the house.  So, this is really quite simple. 

Anything that moves, will keep him entertained.  So tell your man to go do something he really likes.  We call this sports and recreation.  He will leave the house happy, wagging his tail like a puppy dog.  After he leaves, once again, time for the bubble bath thing so you can finish what he did not.  And the ectasy returns and you will be at peace. 

Or so you thought.  He comes back inside, "honey, where are the car keys?" 

Regardless ladies, empathy. For it is still March Madness.  And next month there is golfing,bowling, horse racing, baseball and stuff like that on TV. Until NASCAR gets into full swing.  No one ever stated it was easy being a lady.  So to those having to endure one more weekend of isolation, I understand.  I get it.  You know my digits.  Call me for advanced strategy, Part III.  Anytime.

Finally, have a Happy Easter.  With love, the energizer bunny.  Gotta go.  Time to hop around.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Anyone that would like to post solutions to make America a better nation as a guest blog author; or has solutions to fix some of the problems in America, send me an essay to Also known as Thomas E. Scherer, your better candidate for United States Congress

Merely remember if I am elected to Congress, you the individual are my boss. PACS, Lobbyists and Special Interest Groups, sorry, but just go away. Americans are tired of the United PACS of America buying and corrupting our congressman and Senators. Our candidate is not for sale.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.